By Adam Kaplan
As I have mentioned in two letters now to our camp family, despite the truly nutty times that we are all going through right now, we are moving ahead full steam with our planning for the summer. During this time of year, that means connecting with families, hiring staff, and pulling together all of the supplies that we will need for the summer.
Our Jops will be in tip top shape this summer!
It is this third task, gathering the supplies we will need for the summer, that has presented us with the existential threat to camp life that I am writing about today. Try though we may, we have been completely unable to procure any toilet paper for the summer. Whether in stores or through our wholesale distributors, there simply is not a sheet to be found in the Northwoods.
But at Camp Nebagamon, we are problem solvers. We do not give up when challenges are thrown at us. We accept these challenges and figure out ways to work through, or work around, the challenges to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
Many organizations might shy away – one might even say, poo poo – these daunting challenges. But we have plans…
We will be taking a multi-tiered approach to solving the dearth of toilet paper. It will require that everyone do their part, and with this group effort we should be able to wipe out the problem completely. (I know…I am kind of on a roll here! But I know I should stop with the puns. Potty humor is just too base and easy. I will dump the double entendres now.)
As I said, we will be attacking this problem from a number of angles at camp this summer. First, I have spoken with Anne Rowe, our 16-year kitchen manager, and she and I have agreed that this summer, the camp’s diet will consist exclusively of bananas and cheese…only. As any dietitian will tell you, these items are top notch in terms of shutting down the system…thus minimizing the need for toilet paper at all.
Our number two solution to the problem will involve finding alternative materials to serve in the bathroom tissue capacity. For years now, I have been pressured by our office to do away with the classic Camp Nebagamon checkbooks. It has been argued that checkbooks are a relic of the past and that very few people still use them. I have been considering this for a long time but have admittedly been hesitant as I am an old school and nostalgic kind of dude. But, as necessity is the mother of invention, I have decided that this will be the year. We have a massive stockpile of checkbooks that will all be placed in the Jops (bathrooms for you neophytes) to serve as a substitute for toilet paper. I realize that this might be slightly irritating, but the cool upside is that each checkbook has the Camp Nebagamon logo printed on it, so if that transfers to the boys during their work, they will develop a deeper Nebagamon pride! Along these lines, letter writing days will be cancelled and the boys’ stationary will be repurposed as well (a new kind of Dear John letter, you might say). Yes boys, you will still get your candy lines for well used stationary…not to worry! Hershey’s new UnFiber Bars will be a big hit!
Yogi Julie Gordon prepares for summer 2020
I have also asked our Nature Lore program to help out with the search for bathroom tissue substitutes. Those of you who have ever spent a good deal of time on trail know the joy of finding the perfect leaf to do the trick. I asked our Nature Lore director to help identify the best foliage around camp for the job. She told me that there are lots of great options that she would share with the boys, but went on to admit that she is not great at differentiating between good bathroom tissue leaves and poison ivy…but she didn’t think that would be an issue.
Finally, we had to come up with a plan for what to do if we exhaust all of our alternative sources and are completely without any substitutes. With this in mind, I have contacted our camp yoga instructor, Julie Gordon, to help the boys learn a new yoga move called Dragging Dog. Those of you who are dog owners have no doubt witnessed this maneuver when your favorite pet uses the home carpet or front lawn to serve as its own personal TP substitute!
Alright…that’s enough Adam. You’ve taken this WAY further than you intended to in this article. All for a cheap laugh and an escape from the craziness that we are all enduring.
Happy April Fools Day!