By Adam Kaplan
My daughter, Josie, plays clarinet in several of her school bands. She plays in the Jazz Band, the Pep Band, and the Wind Ensemble. (Ok…maybe a bit of paternal braggadocio there…but I am going somewhere with all of this…hang on.) As part of the school’s program, they offer a trip every spring break for the band members to have an experience traveling as a group and performing in front of new audiences. This year, they are going to Costa Rica!
I have always wanted to visit Costa Rica…
The volcanos, jaguars, sloths, monkeys, rainforests, you name it, Costa Rica seems to have it all and everyone that visits absolutely loves it. And my Costa Rican fantasy was on the verge of becoming reality when the band director, having heard all about Josie’s dad and his renowned skills with adolescents, sent me a note asking if I would consider being the chaperone for the trip! And just like that…I was getting my Costa Rica trip. Sometimes I just can not get over the good fortune I consistently have benefitted from throughout my life.
And then Josie asked me if she could talk to me…
She let me know that as much as she truly loves me, and knows that I would be a definite asset to the trip…she did not want me to go. Now to be clear, her rationale for this was not the typical teenage “OMG dad, no way you can go, you are soooo embarrassing!” (although I totally am). Josie does not usually feel that way about me…her brothers on the other hand have absolutely had it with dad and his embarrassing insistence on proving to every store clerk, restaurant server, and receptionist just how funny he is. Her decision to ask me not to chaperone this trip was based on her belief that if I came, I would inhibit her because she would still have a parent there to be her safety net – this could impede her from having to stretch herself emotionally with her bandmates, stop her from solving problems on her own, prevent her from making her own decisions without a parent sounding board to affirm them, avoid having to feel discomfort – all experiences that will help her grow as a person and develop important life skills.
To say I was wounded was an understatement. Not only was I going to be denied my dream trip to Central America, but my child, the sweet one that always wants me around, didn’t want me around. I protested…I moped…I sulked…I whined.
And then I woke up.
For 21 years now, I have been telling anyone that would listen that one of the most important things that a parent can do to truly help their child and let their child know that they love them and believe in them…is to let them do things on their own.
One of the wonderful things about us modern parents is that, in general, we are much more engaged in our children’s lives than our parents were. We are more engaged with their schools, their friends, their sports, virtually every facet of their lives. This has led to our children feeling more supported, mentored, guided and generally loved.
It has also created kids that are less capable. You see, in our efforts to give our children the best childhoods that we possibly can, and set them up with as many advantages as we can moving forward, we well-meaning modern parents often forget that among the most important skills that a child can learn is autonomy. They need to be able to try new things, make mistakes, flounder a bit, dig down deep and then discover that they are capable of things that they never thought they were capable of.
I have been preaching this message to prospective and nervous parents for two decades now. Yes, you love your kid. Yes, you want to give them every advantage. Yes, one of the necessary things that has to be done to gift these things to your kids is to give them time away from you. Time to figure things out on their own.
Think back for a moment parents….think about your childhood. Think about the most significant, fun, funny, and important moments from your childhood. I am betting that in almost every case, your parents were not there.
And so despite my protests, sulks, mopes, and whines…I knew Josie was right. Of course she was better off without her dad hovering during her Costa Rica trip. The possibilities of her Central American trip being truly significant in her development would significantly increase WITHOUT her dad.
But man…I really wanted to go to Costa Rica. I sure hope the school posts daily photos of Josie during her adventure so that I can feel like I am a part of it, and inspect how she looks to make sure that everything is going ok, and call the school to intervene if she doesn’t look appropriately joyous in every photo. Or maybe that’s not such a good idea either.